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Life is only real than when 'I am' 의 일부

관리자 | 2012.05.08 15:22 | 조회 2550
'All and everything' third series,
"Life is only real than when 'I am'" - G. I. Gurdjieff.



Judging by my fitness during the last few days, it seems I again have come to life and willy-nilly will have to drag on and drudge as before.

My god! Is it possible that I will have to experience again all that I lived through during periods of my fully collected active state, for the half-year before last misfortune of mine?

Not only to experience feelings alternating, almost regularly between, remorse for the inner and outer manifestations of my ordinary waking stats, and loneliness, disappointment, satiety, and the rest, but primarily to be everywhere haunted by the fear of "Inner emptiness"?

What also have I not done, what recources have I not exhausted in my determination to reach a state where the functioning of my psyche in my usual waking state would flowin accordance with the previous instructions of my active consciousness, but all in vain.

In my past life, being forever merciless to my natural weakness, and almost all the time jealously keeping watch over myself, I could attain almost anything within the limits of man's possibilities, and in some fields attained even to such a degree of power as nor one man, perhaps not even in any past epoch, had ever attained.

For instance, the development of the power of my thoughts had been brought to such a level that by only a few hours of self-preparation I could from a distance of tens of miles kill a yak; or, in twenty-four hours, could accumulate life forces of such compacyness that I could in five minuates put to sleep an elephant.

At the same time, in spite of all my desires and endeavors, I could nor succeed in "Remembering Myself" ib the process of my general common life with others so as to be able to manifest myself, not according to my nature but according to the previous instructions of my "collested consciousness."

I could not attain the state of "Remembering Myself." even sufficiently to hinder the associations flowing in me automatically from certain undesireable hereditary factor of my nature.

As soon as the accumulation of energy which enables me to be in an active state was exhausted, at once associations of both thoughts and feelings began to flow in the direction of objects diametrically opposite to the ideal's of my consciousness.

Whan I found myself in a state of complete dissatisgaction with food and sex, the leading factor of there associations of mine, appeared to be primarily windictiveness and,

in the state of full satisfaction, they proceeded on a theme of the fourth coming pleasure of a meal and sex or of the gratification of self-love, vanity, pride jealousy and other passions.

I thought deeply myself and tried to find out from others about the reasons for such a terrible situation within in inner world, but could not clarify anything at all

From one side it is clear that it is necessary to "remember myself" during the process of ordinary life also, and from the other side that there is a necessity for the presence of attentiveness which is able to merge, in case of contact, with others.

Though in my past life I had tried everything, ever gad worn reminding factors of all kinds on my person, nothing helped. Perhaps these did help a little, while I carried them on me, but if so it was only at the beginning, as soon as I stopped carrying them or got used th them in a moment it was as if before.

This idea illuminated the condithion of my inner world like the sun, and rendered it obvious that in the great world for the possibility of harmonious construction there was inevitably required some kind of continuous perpetuation of the reminding factor.

For this reason our Maker Himself, in the name of all that He had created, was compelled to place one of his beloved sons in such an, in the objective sense, indivious situation.

Therefore I also have now for my small inner world to create out of myself, from some factor beloved by me, an alike unending source.

There arises, now a question like this:

What is there contained in my general presence which, if I should remove it from myself, would always in my various general states be reminding me of itself?

Thinking and thinking, I came to the conclusion that if I should intentionally stop utilizing the exceptional power in my possessioin which had been developed by me consciously in my common life with people, then there must be forced out of me such a reminding source.

Namely, the power based upon strength in the field of "hanbledzoin", or as it would be called by others, the power of telepathy and hypnotism.

Thanks mainly to this my inherency, developed in me by myself, I, in the process of general life, especially for the last two years, had been spoiled and depraved to the core, so that likely this would remain for all my life.

and so, if consciously I would deprive myself of this grace of my inherency, then undoubtedly alwayts and in everything its absence, would be felt.

I take and oath to remember never to make use of this inherency of mine and thereby to deprive myself from satisfying most of my vices, In the process of living together with others, this beloved inherency will always be a reminder for me.
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